The good kind of jerk

Imagine you're at a cafe, and someone brings you bad food, or bad coffee. Not uncooked or infested with insects or anything outrageous, just something that isn't very good. What do you do? Do you pull your waiter up and say, "hey, this food tastes bad and this coffee is burned"? Or do you keep quiet, chalk it up as an unfortunate event and make a mental note not to eat there again?

I believe people split quite consistently across those lines. Some people will generally kick up a fuss, and some people generally won't. I tend to fall into the latter category, unless something really really upsets me or I compel myself to do it for strategic reasons. It certainly doesn't come naturally. I remember once I got a takeaway coffee that was so burned I actually couldn't drink it, and I went back to have it remade. This experience was profoundly uncomfortable.

On the other hand, I know some people who would almost always speak up if they felt they weren't getting what they paid for, got bad service or were unsatisfied in any way. To them, it seems to be quite natural, not something they build up to or think about, just an immediate reaction to kick up a fuss. This thing is not acceptable to me, so I'm not going to accept it. Those people are jerks.

Jerks get, sometimes deservedly, a bad reputation. A jerk is someone who doesn't respect people, who is selfish or inconsiderate. A jerk is someone who only values their needs and ignores everyone else's. But I think it's worth breaking that dichotomy down: your needs and the needs of others are separate things, and they don't have to conflict. Really, there are two separate questions: does this person value themselves? And does this person value others?

Returning to the cafe, the two conflicting factors are that you have been served bad food, but you don't want to insult or inconvenience the staff by saying so. It sure would be nice if you just kept your mouth shut. But, hang on, what if this was a one-off accident, the staff normally make great food, and they'd be mortified to know you ate this mistake anyway? And even if they always make crappy food, surely you're representing the truth better if they know about it. I would argue it's a perfectly just universe where the people who make you bad food feel bad, or at the very least it's not your responsibility how they feel if that's the true state of the world.

Beyond any of that, though, where's your value in this scenario? This food is bad, and you paid for it on the assumption that it would be good. The people who made it have a responsibility to you; what makes you think you haven't earned that? What makes you think you don't deserve the thing you paid for? The standard you accept or reject is how you project your values into the world, and how can you say you value yourself if you're not even willing to stand for your own standards?

So I think there is a good and a bad kind of nice. The good kind of nice doesn't yell at the waiter because they got bad food. The bad kind of nice doesn't say anything at all. The good kind of nice is considerate of their partner in a relationship and tries to fulfil their needs. The bad kind of nice ignores their own needs and ends up unhappy, or doesn't assert their needs at all. The good kind of nice values others, the bad kind of nice doesn't value themselves.

Parallel to this, the bad kind of jerk is someone who devalues people, disrespects them, or ignores their needs. The bad kind of jerk doesn't care what happens to other people. But there's a good kind of jerk, too: someone who stands up for themselves and their values, who doesn't accept or endure a bad situation because they're worried it will inconvenience others. It should inconvenience others! If someone is not meeting your needs, they should know about it. They should feel the friction of their actions not satisfying your values.

Someone who stands up for what they want, who calmly but firmly asserts their values, does a service to themselves and others. By providing a truthful representation of what they expect, those around them can make better decisions about how to act, and it's more likely that their expectations will be met. This is the good kind of jerk, and paired with the good kind of nice it means someone who values themselves and others, someone who gets what they want and tries to help other people get what they want too.

I think the world would be much better if we had more good nice jerks.